Each time I begin my January cleanse I have the irrational fear of failing. Part of that idea of falling short stemmed from what I thought was my weakness: not being able to combat the urge for a glass of wine on “wine nights”–Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday–circa 6pm, chez nous. I hesitated to write the words “combat the urge” because I wasn’t sure if I was taking a self-examination step toward armchair introspection which may have told a one-word story I wasn’t ready to hear: dependence.

Conversely, and with great clarity, I’ve recognized within myself a determination that proudly plants a flag in my core from time-to-time to remind me of an inner will to rise above and reach for long and short-term goals. With the self-assurance of knowing I am capable of great things, I unconsciously tap into this thing I call Source. Some might call it the Spirit within or the God Presence within. I see it like a cable, connecting me with a Universal Intelligence that runs through us all. Whatever you choose to see; whether you give it a name; or whether or not you recognize it at all, personally, I know it’s there. I sense its presence. It, which is a part of me, guides, supports, and encourages me to seek the best in myself and with those I come in contact.

It’s that Source, that something greater than myself, that makes me whole, complete and not dependent on outer substances or influences to mark moments in my existence. Social rituals, like drinking wine while enjoying the company of others, have a lovely place in my life. I value the tastes and sensations that are the wine experience, sharing the event with others, but I realize they’re events that have their time and place. During the course of a month, there are also many more spans of time that are separate and apart from imbibing. I find taking a break from the same, anticipated activity a welcome change that helps to keep the socially predictable occasions fresh and not the stale monotony of “It’s 6pm on a Wednesday night. Time for a glass…” Pavlovian reaction. Here’s a thought: With this newish realization I may actually have to place the week-in-week-out wine showcase into the too much of a good thing category–at least on occasion.

With a self-assured smile on my face and nearly two weeks into my cleanse, I’ve glided through the usual wine nights with the grace of a ballerina. My husband (who’s not cleansing with me), nevertheless, continues the ritual, solo. With glass of red in hand, on what could have been the most difficult of temptations–the first Wine Wednesday of my cleanse–I had not the slightest urge to succumb to the wiles of the wine bottle he was presenting like a practiced sommelier. Instead I replied, “No thanks. I’m still working on my forth 16-oz. bottle of water for the day.”

Learning about myself and my gut instincts and desires is becoming one of the most beautiful parts of this 21-day cleanse odyssey. I give thanks for it. /\

Copyright © 2019 María Felicia Kelley